Love, Light and Little Details

This is not a make-up tutorial. But it is a reflection on how I’m making it through. 

This morning, I made the bold decision to put on make-up. It’s an investment of time—but not too much time, really—in the hectic schedule of the morning. And I’ve become a devout believer—perhaps thanks (?) to life in a pandemic—that people don’t need make-up. We’re beautiful as we are, and we don’t need cosmetics to cover us up and/or make us better. But this morning, it was a deliberate choice for me. It was my choice . . .  to care. To give a you-know-what about something. To care about details. To care about myself (supposedly, the make-up I use is healthy and natural and nourishing and all those good things). So I pulled out the multitude of little jars of powder and all the accompanying brushes that claim to achieve their various tasks, and I methodically and deliberately applied it to my face. With as much concentration and devotion as I might handle prayer beads, I tap-tap-tapped the powder into the jar lids, swirled the brushes in my flesh-colored dust, and pressed the powdery brushes onto my skin. And then, as a final, joyfully defiant flourish, I applied mascara to my eye lashes. And even put on earrings, too!

I did this little ritual, because life is hard. There are so many good things happening in my life, but there are some painfully important elements that are missing, too. Admittedly, I’m not experiencing life in all its fullness right now. One loved one is deeply hurting physically and emotionally right now. Another loved one just suffered a brain aneurism and stroke yesterday. Disease and division, hate and fear, and twisted realities hover all around me—around all of us—right now. And, honestly, even though I’m a pastor and supposed to have all of my stuff together so I can take care of other people—sometimes, all of those awful things in our world feel like they’re about to do me in. My heart hurts. My soul aches. And I, in comparison with many in our country and in our world, actually have it pretty good and privileged. . . . 

A very dear and faithful friend sent my husband a message recently with the words, “Jesus, I trust you.” And he and I both are trying to take that to heart. But last night, in my mind and heart’s space, I cried out, “God, I don’t trust you!” This morning, over our coffee-time reflections, I shared that with my husband. I admitted, “I’ve either come to a point where I don’t trust God any more. Or maybe that was my confession that I haven’t been trusting God—but want to.” He said, “I believe it’s the latter.”

So I’m falling back on stuff I learned years ago in divinity school. Spiritual disciplines. We call them disciplines, because we do them, even when we don’t feel them. I’m choosing to pray today. To be intentional about even a few moments of personal quietude and listening to a Spirit greater than I. I will find some words that someone else has written to guide me in prayers. Because I just can’t do it myself today. 

Buffalo horns and red banners and gas masks and guns and people filled with fear and people filled with anger . . . so much anger. These are the images that still haunt me a week later, as I sit at my desk in my new Associate Pastor’s office. Anxiety and disgust and disappointment were my initial feelings. And I still feel those. But I’ve struggled with “official” words to say, as a pastor, to respond to what happened this day, last week, at our nation’s Capitol. 

So many people seemed immediately to have just the right words to say, as they posted on social media. I’m a ponderous person, so it sometimes takes me longer to find the words. I remember seeing a clever description of last Wednesday’s events as the “Epiphany Insurrection”—a burningly ironic name, I suppose, as the Church celebrated Epiphany that very day. . . . Epiphany being that time when the Wise Ones encountered Jesus and gave him gifts. When barriers were broken down between “us” and “them.” When we celebrate the Light breaking into this crazy world with its pain and darkness. But last Wednesday was so much the opposite of all that. There was division . . . a cruelly hardened “us versus them” mentality. There was hatred and violence, the antithesis of peace. There was darkness for our country that was noticed around the world. 

But Epiphany also means an “A-ha!” moment. And my “A-ha!” came from seeing the banners with the words “Jesus 2020” emblazoned on them. And it made me wonder: where was Jesus in all of this? Was Jesus on the campaign trail now? Was he—a brown-skinned Middle Eastern peasant who spoke of God’s love and justice and peace and a different kind of “kingdom”—being represented there?

And it made me realize that my new “job” as an Associate Pastor at a new church is going to be pretty hard. I work for that name that had been put on those banners. As a pastor, I am representing Jesus. I represent God’s love, truth, peace, justice, hope. . . . How will I represent Jesus with love and integrity to all people—those who cheered on the events of last Wednesday as well as those who were appalled by them? And I would say “and everyone in-between,” but is there an in-between nowadays? 

Journey with me as I ponder this, as I stumble and pick myself up again, as I reach out to others along the way. As I figure out how to do this ministry thing with the “Jesus” label in a painfully fractured world. . . .

“He’s teething up a storm!” the pediatrician said, when we took both of our children—3 years old and 5 months old—for a doctor visit two days before Christmas. Both children had been sick with cold-like symptoms, and—as we know—even “simple” cold symptoms are nothing to mess with in a pandemic. It turns out our 3 year old had a sinus infection, and, with several doses of bubble-gum pink liquid antibiotic later, she’s bounding around the house and playing pretend with baby dolls, princesses, knights, and dragons as much as ever before. And our baby boy is…teething. It’s still a rough and painful-looking time for him, especially at night. But now we have a name for it. And ways to handle it, like infant pain medicine and cold wash cloths and (safe) chew-able toys.

Over Advent, as I’ve struggled with the state of the world, I’ve found my grounding and glimpses of God’s still-there goodness in my children. The darndest, delightful things my singing, dancing, galloping, hugging 3 year old says and does. The sweet coos, ferocious squeals, and heart-melting, sunbeam smiles of my 5 month old.  And on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I remember holding my infant and feeling some of the awe that Mary must have felt, cradling her newborn baby. This child, whom angels and prophets and shepherds and magical astronomers declared a world-changing king. And he must have been so tiny. And he probably spit up a lot on that lovely blue robe we often see Mary wearing. And he had lots and lots of diapers to be changed. And he drooled and fussed through the night while his parents worried and held him gently, wondering helplessly what was wrong…until a pearly tooth popped through his swollen gums. 

This. This baby—with movements, sounds, and facial expressions, growth and pains and joys just like my own baby—is the One that many of us believe to be the Savior of the world. Savior—such a tall order in a tiny form. Just a baby. But what a dynamic way to see, truly, that God-is-with-us…in our drool and spit-up, in our pain, in our anxiety, in our beauty, in the moments our hearts could burst with joy and wonder. I hold my baby at 5:whatever in the morning, and I feel and know that God was and is in our flesh. God is with us, God is with us….

“St. Anthony joins me on Tuesdays. I’ve got you covered.” A dear friend sent me those words in a text message this morning, and those words are giving me life today.  

“St. Anthony joins me on Tuesdays.” Now, you have to understand that I’m not Catholic. The saints haven’t been a part of the fabric of my faith as I’ve grown up from little Southern Baptist girl to Presbyterian pastor. To say one has been spending time with a saint is foreign language. In fact, it may sound pretty dangerous to some. In my younger years, I remember hearing some church folks say—with a mixture of scorn and horror—that Catholics “worship the saints” or “worship Mary” (i.e., blasphemy to a southern, Bible-belt Protestant). But I also remember a Catholic spiritual director who visited my seminary class a number of years ago. She helped me realize that when Catholic Christians pray to Mary or the saints, they see it as talking to a good friend. Just as if I would go to a trusted friend and say, “I’m struggling with something. Please pray for me. Please pray with me. . . .” I must confess (pun intended), I don’t know exactly who St. Anthony is. (Google assignment to self for later today.) But I already feel safe with him. Because he’s a friend of my friend.

“I’ve got you covered.” It’s a wild and crazy world we live in now, isn’t it? But what a comfort to know that there are friends who will say, “I’ve got you covered.” I know that my friend has, with deep sincerity, lit candles in the solitude of a worship space for me and my family this morning. I know that he has truly lifted me and any of my concerns to a reality bigger and beyond this powder keg of an earth. He has reminded me that love and kindness and goodness will triumph, will endure. He has brought me a glimpse of peace and hope.

From a simple text message, I feel surrounded by love and comfort. And so the thoughts that are guiding and compelling me now are: Who’s joining me on this Tuesday, and how can I “cover” someone else? 

Living in the “in-between” is hard. To put it more elegantly. It. Just. Sucks. In fact, I spent an afternoon of tears, hugs, and hot tea with a sweet friend who’s right there—in the in-between. The circumstances of her in-between are different from mine. But I can empathize. I know that it’s painful. It’s confusing. It’s frustrating. It can be more horrific than that netherworld in that very popular Netflix series. . . . But wait. That’s the Upside Down. We’re in the In-Between here. 

My in-between has been full of crushing disappointment—for myself and even more for the ones I love. And it’s messed with my sense of hope. I haven’t wanted to write, which is one of my favorite things to do, because what is there to write about when your topic is Love and Light and all you feel is dismal? But just recently, I’ve realized that there is still a lot of Love and Light sneaking in through the broken places, and I don’t want to miss it—whatever my circumstances. Hence, my latest reflection on Fear, Hate, and Love. . . .

I’m a pastor, and that means that one of the various things I do is preach. I speak in front of people—usually large groups of people—on a regular basis. I am also an introvert. (More accurately, an introvert who has learned to act like an extrovert, as the occasion calls for it. Which is exhausting. Perhaps another blog entry for another day.) It feels like one of the greatest jokes of the universe that I, who used to tremble in ninth grade English anytime we had to give a report in front of the class, would not only become a public speaker by profession . . . But would actually come to enjoy it! Nowadays, I love to tell a story to people. To weave together details and images and help (hopefully) to lead an audience to a (hopefully) deeper understanding of something (hopefully) meaningful. 

I love to preach. But do you know what I hate? Giving church announcements. Oh, I dread that moment in our Presbyterian worship service when the preacher-of-the-day candidly and “casually” welcomes everybody and gives the spiel about where to find this and that and highlights upcoming events and tells visitors where to find their thank-you-for-being-with-us gift. Do I feel unwelcoming? No. Do I feel unhelpful, uninformative, unfriendly? No, no, no. None of those things. So I’ve had the most difficult time pinpointing what my problem is. But all I know is that I feel like I’m back in ninth grade English class on the verge of hyperventilating. 

And that’s when a dear friend and pastoral mentor of mine shared the manuscript of his upcoming sermon with me. His words were about Fear and Hate. More specifically, unlearning Fear and Hate, from that same amazing movement I blogged about earlier. He reminded me that hate is almost always derived from fear. We humans hate what—or who—scares us. And that thing or that person or those people become an Other. And it can feel easy to hate an Other—a not “me,” a not “us.” That’s why choosing to love is powerful. It is the complete opposite of fear and hate. It breaks the spell, shatters the hardened shell, bends the prison bars of fear, which is at the root of hate. But fear and hate require an unlearning. It’s a process.

The Sunday morning a couple of weeks ago when I had a tiny breakthrough in my terror of “friendly announcement time” was the Sunday I preached about Fred Rogers. In my sermon, I included the line from the upcoming A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood movie, where Fred (played by Tom Hanks) says, “I think the best thing we can do is to let people know that each one of them is precious.” What a brilliant truth. So as I stood up to do the announcements that morning, I tried to remember that inspiring quote. Instead of seeing the congregation as a massive, monstrous, faceless enemy, ready to mock me in my nervousness, I stopped to look at as many individual faces as possible. These were real people. Human beings with needs. Human beings who actually liked me. But even more than that, my job in that moment was to welcome them. To love them. To speak to them and treat them like each one of them is precious. Because they are. And although a tremble threatened to rise up within me, it soon dissipated with the warmth of love. Love overcame fear and hate in that moment. It can be done!

Unlearning fear and hate and intentionally choosing to love feels like a sweeping movement. Something that should only take place on a monumental, worldwide stage. But I’m finding more and more that learning to love most often takes place in the small things, the little details. The reassuring squeeze of a hand. A note sent in the mail. Speaking kindly with a child at their eye-level. A cup of tea shared in solidarity and understanding. A sincere smile given to someone who seems very different from you. These little bursts of Love and Light nourish and revive us no matter what season of life we’re in . . . even in the in-between.

It’s been a few weeks since I last made a blog post. And I’ve only just started this blogging adventure. What a sloppy, slacker of a blogger I am. 

And it occurred to me today why I think I’ve hesitated and procrastinated. It’s because I don’t have anything to write about. Or, more accurately, I don’t feel like I have anything good to write about. Good, uplifting, love- and light-filled as the title of my blog implies. I could probably do the “all the little details” part, though.

It’s because I’ve been feeling very “un-” and “in-” for the past few weeks. I should explain. . . .

So the youth mission trip I so hopefully and idealistically mentioned in my last post? It left me feeling insufficient. Also unappreciated. Perhaps unwelcome, too. There were some good times during the mission trip, to be fair. But there was the overarching sentiment from many of the youth (especially the older ones), that they missed the way their previous youth leader had done things. No surprises here, really. This situation was to be expected. But the growing sense of discontent, resentment, and negativity from these youth that mission trip week became exhausting for me after a while. They didn’t like the type of service projects we were doing. They didn’t have enough breaks. Enough “incentives.” Enough “surprises.” Enough games. They didn’t like the simple sandwiches we had made for lunch at one of our work sites, so some of them ordered a pizza and had it delivered to them. Devotional times in the evening were too long. And a number of them ended up trivializing, even mocking my beloved project about Unlearn Fear and Hate in various ways. I could go on, but those are enough details. Basically, these youth were telling me how they did youth group, rather than being open to new things that I as their youth minister might be bringing to them. And it makes me tired. A little angry. But more than being angry—sad. 

Lighten up! They’re just kids! It’s your job to set the tone! It’s good to get their feedback so you can learn from the church group you’re serving! Yep. Those things are true. And I believe that there are things that I could and should learn from my youth. And there were some beautiful moments during that mission trip. But I’m lying if I didn’t admit I was and am still disappointed. 

And this feels so silly to admit, but I’m feeling a bit unattractive lately. Not that being “pretty” should be a top priority for me or anyone. Especially in this age of body positivity and accepting and celebrating oneself for who one is. But every three or four weeks or so, these gray hairs—no, to be more accurate, these course, bristly white hairs—start to emerge from my scalp. Pushing away the dark brown hair that has made me “me” for a long time. And I keep getting my roots touched up to keep up appearances, and it’s getting to be that time again and I just haven’t yet. I’m not quite yet at the big 4-0 where one might accept the fact that one’s gray hairs could actually be a reality, but I am very far away from the 2-0 and quite far away from even the 3-0. And I want to, need to accept that. I feel very pivotal and at the point of breaking—but not like breaking down, more like breaking through . . . and growing.  Hey, I think I saw a little light and love peeking through.

And I’ve been feeling unqualified at times, lately. Unqualified in the sense that I’m not sure if my voice is strong enough. Or that I’m informed enough to speak with credibility to a wider audience. Or that I might be saying something that’s already been said. Thus making my words worn and tired and low-impact. Because, you see, I’ve been wanting to address the atrocity taking place at the southern border of the U.S. That, in fact, is much much more important than whiny teenagers in a church youth group or my ridiculous gray hairs. Because what is happening at our border—the separation of families and the appalling treatment of children—is wrong. Wrong. Immoral. Inhumane. Sinful, if we want to use religious language. And I want to do something about it. And I recognize my privilege, and it makes me extremely uncomfortable.  I see friends sharing pictures and stories on social media of their church groups doing simple yet bold things to help the ones suffering at the border. And I feel inspired and want to create similar mission initiatives, but then I find myself stopping the forward motion . . . realizing that some people I know may criticize me for being “too political” in my ministry. I feel like I’m currently in a particular culture where we avoid being “political,” and we’re advised to all “just get along.” Which really means we do nothing. Which means we avoid the important conversations that need to take place. Which means we eventually let fear and hate win. When, in reality, it’s not about politics at all. It’s really about basic human rights and dignity—for all humans, no matter where they’re from. Which should be at the forefront of all of our minds, regardless of our affiliations. This crisis should matter to anyone with a beating heart. 

So I’ve reached out to a friend and fellow pastor to find out how my church might collaborate with his church on doing something for those suffering at the border. Because I refuse to be unresponsive and uncaring, no matter what other things I’ve been feeling lately.

And, being willing to write about something “unpleasant,” I’ve just now started to feel a bit less uninspired. Perhaps the “love and light” this time is in the honesty. And I’m realizing that Love and Light are less about how I’m feeling or what I bring to the situation and more about something—Someone—bigger than myself.